I spent a really long time putting this blog together and making it perfect for myself. That was years ago and I have gotten bored with it over the years. Thing is that I somehow always find my way back here. Today I imported or rather copy/pasted some posts that I had at another Blog and I have decided to just stay here. I am not going to commit to writing daily like I have in the past but I am committing to coming here when I do post.

I find myself really struggling with some very serious issues and I am worried about what they mean in my life. I have finally admitted to myself that I have a serious problem with lying and I am really dishonest with even the closest people in my life. For some reason I still feel as if I will not be accepted if I am not in a certain place in my life and I find that I am embarrassed that I have not acheived what I dreamt of doing so I lie about where I am in life to feel better about who I am. I have someone so special and wonderful in my life who has been a constant love and support to me for over 6 years and they think I am in a completely different job than what I am doing and they think I have more education than what I actually do.....I have lied to this person in an attempt to have them love me more but in my spirit I know that it is that lie that keeps them from being who I want them to be to me. In my spirit I know that I am not the person I want to be because I am stuck in a huge lie about who I am. Does that make sense??

There is also another problem or emotional sickness that I suffer from and that is that I am a thief. I take without asking thinking I can put it back before anyone notices. I take things or money because I do not know how to go without. I panic when I dont have any money and instead of going through it I take from others. I always try to borrow first and if I cant...I take it.

Over the last week I have not felt good about my choices. For the first time I am feeling guilt for my behavior. Over the last few days I have been consumed with guilt and fear of being exposed. I want it to be over with and I want to stop my behavior. I want so much to clean the slate and begin again. I am taking steps to stop the behavior and have decided there are certain things I cannot do anymore because it tempts me to be dishonest. I am going to have to take steps to get honest in every area of my life and that is going to be very hard for me because I feel so much shame about who I am. I live in a fantasy world so much of the time truly believing I am this person I created for other people to see. I even know enough about the subjects I am suppose to be mastered in to pull it off. I know this sounds incredibly sick and it is. My spirit is sick and it needs divine intervention. I need guidance from God and more than anything...I need to feel OK in the skin I am in. I need to feel proud of who I am and I want my kids to be proud of who I am as well. My son actually told me last night that he wouldnt be proud to have me come to career day at school. It hurt so much but I am not proud so why should he be. The thing about that is that it shouldnt matter what I do...if I am proud of the work I do then it will show and my kids will respect it no matter what it is.

I want to think that by finally saying it out loud and knowing others will see this that I am taking a step in correcting it. I dont want to live in a lie anymore. I just want to start over with a completely clean slate. No more lies about who I am and no more theft when I dont have what I want. It is true narccisism at its finest.

I am done talking about it right now. I just needed to put it out in space and acknowledge that it is a problem in my life. It exists and I am affirming that I recognize that my spirit is sick right now and really has been all my life. I cannot connect with God and the forces in the Universe without honesty,truth and love...I cannot claim to love someone and lie to them or take from them at the same time.

Namaste...