What a great question I was asked in my last post and no Holls I did not take any offense to it. Actually it has given me something to contemplate for the last several days. The crazy thing is that I still do not have the answer other than what the gif says above. I think it just boils down to the fact that I am terrified of spending the rest of my life alone.

I know for a fact that my issues of abandonment with my father are a driving force begind my OCD and men. When I meet someone it either goes 2 ways. I either really like them and if that is the case I get super pushy, needy and I play alot of games to win what subconsciously I think is a prize for me. When I really like someone I go way overboard to get attention and to be validated. In the process of doing that I make myself seem mental and needy. When I meet someone and that umph factor is not there then I blow them off.

So with that being the case I have realized that my picker is broken and my idea of attraction is based solely on looks in the beginning. I pick men that seem to be unattainable and I try to get them to like me knowing the whole while that I will either ruin it or they will not find me attractive or desirable and I will be let down. I pick the ones who would not be attracted to me.

The ones who do like me and who are the genuine nice guys I overlook and ignore. Its like in order for me to like you, I have to chase you and catch you. In every instance I have done that, I have ebded up heart broken. Hell, I did it for over 2 years with JOn. I knew he wouldnt come back and still I basically begged and pleaded for him to change his mind.

So Again, what is the pay off?? I dont know that answer. I know that I get negative reinforcment so maybe the pay off is that it reinforces my feelings of being not good enough. Why in the hell I would need that to be reinforced is beyond me.

I have alot of work to do and I recognize that. I am bummed that things worked out the way they did with Jon and CJ. It wasnt as if CJ was a love interest but I did scare him off because I was too pushy and to think that there is someone out there that thinks you have serious issues and thinks of you as an obsessive fan is not a good feeling at all. My hope is that in time , if I leave it alone for a month or so that I can at least say hi and not seem like a weirdo. I would love nothing more than to become friends.

The friendship thing is difficult for me too. I still find that I go overboard when it is a man I think us cute. Secretly I think I just pretend to be friends to get them to fall in the process, which is something they never do.

Anyway...more to think about and more to acknowledge to try and do differently...Thanks Holls for the words of wisdom....It has really been an eye opening experience even if you took it from Dr.Phil!! I used to love him and now I think he is a wanker!! LOL

Namaste~

Elyse

 

 

Elyse, I don't know if you caught this, but this really leaped out at me: "Its like in order for me to like you, I have to chase you and catch you."

To me, it sounds like the core of the problem is that you are perpetuating the effort to chase your father, who you said was unavailable to you, because forcing someone to pay attention to you is what you have learned is the only way to get attention. If you don't have to chase someone, your conditioning tells you they aren't "normal" - which, for you, translates into the lack of an "umph factor." Does that make sense?

Bingo on the payoff, Elyse! A payoff does not have to be positive in order for it to exist; it merely has to exist. You see? In other words, Elyse, yes, your negative perceptions about yourself are being reinforced, and that is the payoff.

My personal opinion is that when you reach that place within yourself where you truly get that you are lovable and worthy of love, the codependent tendencies will begin to change, too. You will find a greater sense of security about yourself, which will, in turn, make you much more attractive not only to yourself, but also, to the kind of person you truly want in your life. You will reach a point where you will realize that you don't need a man in your life in order to make you feel fulfilled, which will leave you free to want a man in your life.

I am so proud of you, my friend; you are showing tremendous courage and strength, and I hope you continue to walk this path.

Hi Elyse. Just dropping by to let you know I'm thinking of you, and to wish you a great day and a great weekend.