Everything I freaking touch turns to shyte...i swear it does....

I was just crying a few minutes ago because I cant seem to keep things together when it comes to love. I am overly obsessive and I seem to be one of those women who are just too much all the time...Too needy, too dependant, overly zealous and just down right annoying. I dont know if I have always been like this but I am sure it is something that has followed me. It seems like the only guys that are ever interested in me are the ones who are needy and need constant ego stroking.

Jon and I havent talked really in over a month now. It has been kinda hard but it hasnt killed me. The problem comes when I am overwhelmed with emotion and I begin to miss him in my life. I have tried to reach out to him 3 times in the last month. Once to say Happy Thanksgiving...one was a stupid good morning and I see you online and then a day or 2 ago I sent him a letter trying to make amends for the pain I had caused. I got a reply today that basically said or I felt that it said that I am full of shyte and I am not in the place I think I am. It really hurt me to be dismissed so easily by someone I love.

I have continued to be so caught up with CJ that I have really not had time to think about him at all. Sadly, I did the same thing to Ceej as I did to Jon...I over did it and now our plans have been dumped. I doubt I will ever talk to him again either..So lets see today I have lost 2 people I really dig and want to be a part of my life.

Why?? Because I am competely mental, thats why!! I really do believe that I am going to spend my entire life alone. I cant seem to not ruin things or get dumped. I am so picky and both Jon and Ceej were my WoW guys.The intense physical desire was there and they are both smart, funny and just really good guys....I blew it......I will never be able to be just Jon's friend. I am done pretending that it will ever be any different. It really was what I thought I wanted but to be honest, I dont want to be his friend. I love his mean ass and I will miss him until the day I die...

CJ sadly I will never get the chance to really know. I would love to say that sure we will re plan but I know better than that. I got kicked to the curb and now its done. I was over the top and really just freaked him out. I dont blame him. It was a huge game of cat and mouse anyway but I really liked him and thought he was a kewl person.

I recognize that I used the CJ thing to fill my void with Jon gone. Now that he is gone I tried to put the focus back on Jon but was kicked hard to the curb for even saying I was sorry for the past few years and that i appreciated his friendship.

I dont want to talk to him again. I feel betrayed in a way. I feel like I was given this promise that he would always be there and then found out it was all a big lie. I feel lied to and cheated and right now I am crying again.

 I am so tired of feeling hurt. I dont know how to find freedom from my emotions. I want to feel free and light hearted. I want to wake up and love what I see looking back at me and I want to wake up with a smile feeling so good about life and what it has to offer me. I have struggled my whole life just trying to fit somewhere...with someone....if it wasnt friends growing up it was trying to find that one guy that saw me...really saw me and loved me anyway.....I found him and I wasnt good enough to keep around and to think I was super healthy then or at least I thought so.

I feel like I am whining. I am just having a heavy heart day. Its like all the air was let out of the balloon.....The plans I had with Ceej coming were so freeing and I wanted to beleive I could be so openminded and fun but I havent been that person in so many years. I want that person back but I dont have any idea what to do to find her......

In other news I have been approved for my surgery..I go in 2 weeks for my visit with the surgeon and then it will be probably the 2nd or 3rd week in January that I have my surgery.

Maybe I should just give up...all together, of every dream or fantasy,every wish and hope for love or anything more......I have to keep going back to my first thought and that is maybe my only purpose in this world is to be a good mother and teach my children to be good people. thats admirable isnt it?? I shoudl aspire for that and it be enough...I am just lonely....I have been alone for so long and I am tired.....tired of wishing.....hoping........

Namaste~

 

Elyse, please know that what I'm about to say, I say out of love and not out of any desire to cause you pain.

If you allow yourself to be truly honest with yourself, you will recognize that you know what is missing in your life, and you will recognize that you are afraid to give to yourself that missing thing. How often have you told me that I have to change ME before I can change my life? Many times, my friend; many times.

So, I am feeding back to you the insight you have given me. If you want to be truly happy, you need to stop seeking outside yourself for what only you can give yourself.

Jon, CJ, and any other man who comes into your life will not make you happy; hon; you know this - you've told me this same thing. The only person who can truly make you genuinely happy is YOU.

So, knowing this as you do - and I know that you do know this - and borrowing from Dr. Phil "Tell it like is" McGraw, what's the payoff? What are you getting out of feeling so unlovable and unworthy? You have to be getting something out of it; we don't perpetuate negative and harmful behaviors unless we're getting something out of it, so again, what's your payoff?

I love you, my friend, and I worry about you and want you to be happy. I really hope you will hear that...

I can't agree enough with what Holly has said. I know it's hard, but maybe it will be better to just focus on yourself. Good luck with your surgery.