Well, the best way to end something unhealthy is to be unhealthy I guess...lol....My psycho behavior came to and end today when I backed out of the trip. No going back and I feel pretty good about it. It feels like this huge cloud has lifted off of me and the obsession is slowly starting to subside. It had gotten so weird and I have no idea why he kept it up to begin with. If I were a guy I would have run after the first month or so.

I tell you what. I have a serious problem. I have some really severe OCD. When I get focused on something or should I say someone, I lose all balance of mental health and I get soo obsessed. I eat, drink, sleep and live in the fantasy of whatever is going to go down or what I want to go down. MAn!! I have some serious issues.

Anyway, it has been a slow process. I made the decision to stop the madness over a week ago and I did really well for a minute and then I went nuts again. Now, I have no choice and I am grateful for it. I hate that some guy I am completely encrusted with thinks I a m crazy but hell!! Its not like he is real in my life.

It bothered me when I got sick with Jon. I knew how I was affecting him and bless his heart, he stayed for so long in that madness. He loved me so much and it just sucks that my craziness finally pushed him away. You know you have a serious problem when people in your life start dropping out because of your behavior.

I dont know the solution. I really dont. I dont know what I need to do to fix the problem. It is all about cognitive therapy and learning to do it a different way but what is really going to work. Redirection? Good luck....A snap trigger helps like rubber band therapy but the band never hurt me when I snapped it. One day I actually drew blood from snapping it so much over Jon. I still continued to snap it after it did. Thats insanity...doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. WoW.....

On another note...after 2 and half weeks of continual phone calls and entries I won tickets for my daughter to go see her heart throb boyfriends , the jonas brother.....I couldnt believe it. I have tried so hard and have listened to stations I hate just to try and call in. I spent 12 hours online entering and registering today and I won off one entry to another site....Go figure...when I told my daughter she screamed, called all her friends screaming and cried a bit too. It has been hard watching her this last week or so. She loves them so much and she wasnt getting through to the radio stations. All her friends had won either tickets to see them or tickets for them and hannah montana. They would call and tell her they were going and she would spend the rest of the night crying about it. Like I said in another post, she deserves all things good. She is such a good girl with such a loving heart...even though she is becoming a butt head in her teen years.....She is actually becoming spoiled rotten. God only knows how much I love her though. I never thought a person could love something as much as I love them and I live Jon....he will always be a huge part of me...I miss him terribly but I know this is for the best. I would have never been OK watching him love someone else...........no matter how much time passes or how much I heal...that love will never die.......it is too ingrained in me.........

I am bummed that after al this work I will not be able to go watch her be thrilled and excited. I have to work on one of our busiest days of the year and I tried like hell to get out of it but it just wasnt happening. I have a dear friend going with her so I am happy.

Happy Thanksgiving God! And if you are reading this Happy thanksgiving to you too........may all your blessings be abundant.....Thank you God for letting me win the tickets...It has made her so happy.....

Namaste~

 

Hi Elyse. It seems like you're making some important connections for your life, and I am truly happy for you. It's a long, hard road, but you're sounding much more positive about the direction you want your life to go in. I'm really happy to hear you were able to win tickets for your daughter, too; she must be through the roof with excitement. You must feel so joyous for her...