I was thinking this morning that I havent blogged in a really long time about what is going on in my spirit. I have been so busy with this part time job that I have had no time to even think about something spiritual or recovery oriented.

I am lost in a maze of sorts and it has no ending. I am trying to grow up in alot of ways and I am taking on new responsibilites that are far greater than anything I have ever done before. The thing is that growing up is hard for someone like me. I have been a child in so many ways for so damn long that it feels awkward right now. I am trying to more into a more proactive role with my kids and I am trying to set new boundaries with them.

I think I have mentioned that th connection between Ceej and I has dwindled to nothing. Basically I went psycho chick and he blew me off. All of which I didnt blame him for because I actually would have done the same thing. On Xmas eve he hit me with a note just asking how I* was doing and all the sudden I went right back into that oberly excessive mode and then on Cmas night at 3 AM I get a phone call from Ceej saying Merry Xmas. Actually he wasnt calling just for that. I had made the mistake of having some late night adult chat time with him once and that left the door open. At first I was excited. I didnt answer the phone that night but the thought of being devious and just plain uninhibited got me worked up.

Let me say here that I have never been one of those girls that slept around and I have never been one of those girls that had sex for sexs sake. I have lived my life relatively sex free. Sure I was married and I have had boyfriends in my life but when I look back they seem really short lived other than being married and with him, I hated it. To be honest I was nevewr into sex until I met Jon. He was the first man in my life that I really felt an overwhelming desire for. The sad part of that relationship was that because of my weight he did not feel the same way. I was always initiating and sure we had alot of sex but there were things that proved my point. Another thing that made it hard was the mere fact that he was awful in bed. I had to go on pure emotional connections.

Now I have been single for over 2 and a half years now and for me that means no sez either but when I saw CJ that automaitc lust drive kicked in. It was never really about anything other than a sordid week of debauchery. All of which I felt I was up for considering the level of desire I have and had for him. When he blew me off I wa bummed because my little fantasy was shot.

When he called the other night I got stoked about the thought of it perhaps happening again but I found from his first hello that he was still nlowing me off and then I get a call at 3 AM asking me to play with him on the phone. You have no idea how grateful I am now that I wasnt available.   I thought long and hard about all of it and this morning I finally got the nerve to say exactly what I should have from the beginning.

I told him in a mail this morning to not contact me again. I told him that I gace him a chance to redeem himself and he blew me off again. I am sorry but enough is enough. I dont care how much I desire him at this point. I am not going to be anyone's phone sex girl. True I guess I did want more than just a great shag. I wanted a mutual friendship as well.

I refuse to be used today no matter who they are. I am not going to put myself out there anymore to be used. I deserve respect and from now on I am going to demand it.

Namaste~