Wow!! Its been a while since I posted and the more I have thought about it that is actually a good sign. It seems I use this journal alot when I am struggling through something. When things are productive and peaceful I feel like I dont have much to share, almost like the good isnt worth mentioning,,,Go figure!!

Things are good though. I have picked up a job working for Liz Claiborne. I stil work for the sports league and I still do the cheerleading but it doesnt pay during off seasons so a girl has to do what she has to do.

I guess I have found more balance and peace over the last few weeks. I have come to accept that my psycho chick disorder is something I have got to work on before I even think about being involved again....I have come to accept that Jon will never be a part of my life again.

I tried to reach out to Nerdboy a few weeks ago and the reply I got back was very harsh and quit cruel. I never thought there would come a day where I was dismissed so easily but he did and he did it cruelly. Of course my first reaction was that he did it with so little feeling because he has a girlfriend now and his need for me has been replaced but then I realized that what we shared together was destroyed over time and that all that was left on his end is anger and resentment.I am to blame for alot of that coming ftom my inability to let go and move on. I have moved on today and I am really lonely as a result.

The whole adventure with CJ was just an obsessive fan chasing someone who was completely unattainable. Well, he was attainable but in order for it to happen I was going to have to compromise myself in the process. The saddest part of all of that was that I was willing to do it just to actually be with him....That is true insanity.

It has taken me a few weeks to settle in without all of the obsession going on with Big Ceej. It was hard in the beginning to not just keep pressing the issue. What it came down to was him completely blowing me off. You would think that would make me stop trying to communicate with him but it wasnt until last week that I let it go.

Ya know, I have spent so many years chasing people I cant have..Jon was unattainable but I couldnt give up as long as I knew he still loved me....CJ was the thrill of hunt and honestly the thought of some really great sex.

Now, I am stuck in a place where I should have been for a long time...I have healed and I am alone with myself. I am very lonely and sometimes I think I will always spend my life alone. I no longer have wonderful reflections of any realtionship in my life. The last 3 I have been in have ended in pain so thats what I have to go on. I am not sure I know what a healthy relationship looks like. When I say that I mean from beginning to end.Not that any ending can be easy but it can be done with grace and dignity which I have never shown before.

So right now I feel very much alone in things. Its xmas time and everyone I know is in a relationship and every party I am invited to is all couples so I choose not to go. I find that I speak about myself very negatively. I tend to make alot of references to the fact that I am overweight and my low self esteem is really showing right now. I guess I am just really vulnerable right now....but the upside is that I am making good money and I am staying busy. This job has alot of meaning for me.........

Ok I am late for work!!

Namaste!