Well, its been a little bit since I have posted and all I can say is that instead of doing the right thing and pushing Ceej away, I am encouraging his bad boy behavior and going along with his plans to come to Nashville to stay with me. As of right now, CJ is coming in February to stay with me in a Condo that I am renting for a week. Now all of the people who do actually read my blog know that there are plenty of things that will and can happen when you spend a week together in a romantic setting. You can go into it with the best intentions to hang out and just do things together but when the two people involved are attracted to each other it is pretty pointless to assume that nothing is going to happen.

Now that takes me to the second aspect of this post. Here I am very very very(I added that last one for effect) attracted to this guy. Hell, that is why we started talking to begin with. It was a game to see if I could get his attention and now that I have I dont know what to do with it. ANYWAY>>>>>> I am trying to keep a clear head and realize that this is all in fun but I am starting to forget that this is not about falling in love and having a relationship.

He is coming for a week, nothing more and nothing less. He lives in Venice Beach and when being realistic I know that this week is nothing more than a good time. A huge part of me is ashamed  of the way I am acting and the other side of me is really enjoying coming out of my shell and being a little dangerous. I dont feel that he is dangerous but my attitude about this whole situation is. I am acting out but I know that 2 and half months from now I am going to be faced with the decision of whether or not to act on what I am saying and going along with right now.

The hardest part about all of this is that I might actually like the guy. My real fear comes from him coming and us being intimate and then me catching feelings behind it. They would be hollow emotions and felt only by me.

This is really sad when I think about it. I am pretending to be something more than what I am. I am playing in a fantasy that I created and I wasnt expecting for him to play too so much that he actually wants to come and be here with me.

What I want is the fantasy to become reality but his fantasy is completely different than mine. This is about sex for him and partying with a bunch of cute women( not just me). He is coming to go to our best restaurants and then go out to the best bars and clubs in the city. All of which will surround him with pretty girls who think he is the bomb. All my friends want the same thing as me. The difference is that he is talking to me, not them. I am the one he wants to spend his time with, at least in the beginning. Who knows, maybe he will get here and think he gets a different girl every night. He is still a child. 5 years my junior.........he still lives in that fun, exciting world that is LA, fame and partying. Now that he has become semi famous from being on TV, his ego has blown up I am sure.  I think he has always loved himself though...he is a bit vain, admittedly.

He called me yesterday from a Vogue photo shoot that he was catering.I thought now here is this guy that I admittedly have the hots for surrounded by the most beautiful women(society enforced) in the world and he is excited about seeing me?? 37 years old, overweight and struggling financially.  I mean what is he expecting. He has seen pictures of me. To be honest, I had hoped that he would see the pics and say no thanks. When he said I think you are really cute, my ego blew up. Here is this hot young guy who thinks "I" am pretty and he wants to be with "me". He could have anyone and I have seen pics of his last girlfriend...She is gorgeous. My self esteem tells me I am not good enough. True by the time he gets here I will be almost 3 months out of my surgery. I will have dropped at least 60 pounds but I will not have built the core beliefs about myself up to a point where I will feel like my inside and my outside match. If you have ever been heavy then you know that no matter how big or small you are, you never really like the package.

Right now I feel I am having some definite OCD issues. I am obsessed and I am acting compulsively. I am not thinking clearly and I have compromised my morals and my beliefs to be with this guy. I dont sleep with people who dont have feelings for me. How do I expect this guy to think of me in any way other than a piece of ass...Pardon my expression.....And I am actually trying to tell myself that I am OK with that.

The saddest part of all of this is that even though I know I am acting out on sick and addictive behavior, I dont want to stop. I know I have got to draw the line but I am enjoying the ego boost too much. My fear is that I will not cut it off and I will go through with this. I am expecting him to come, be with me and fall in love. The reality is that he will come, we will have alot of sex and then he will leave and I will be left here, once again feeling abandoned(which is very core based emotion) and thinking I am dirty and not good enough to stay for.

This is my pattern...unattainable men......I pursue them, I catch them for a brief moment and I end up feeling used and hurt......I see it going in but the excitement of the whole thing overrules my thinking. Its just like with my addiction.....that single moment of pleasure becomes more important than the endless amount of pain that comes behind it.

I really dont know if I want anyone to respond to this post. I am going to block the comments on this one. I know what I am saying, I know how crazy it is ...I just needed to write it down it. I dont want the feedback this time because nothing anyone says is going to change this. I have to do this for myself with the information I have. I am aware of the risks. I have to get to a place where I completely care........I appreciate and love all of you that read my post but sometimes I write for me and only me........

On another note...Jon and I do not talk anymore. H finally said enough. Things had gotten to a good point in our friendship and then I started doing therapy work on him. It was like everything had gone back to that first day I found out he was leaving. All of those feelings of hurt and anger came rushing back and I told him about it....He said enough and when he says it..thats it....He has deleted me from his page and he has blocked my emial I think. I would love to say I am sad but I am so wound up about CJ that I habet thought too much about it. In the beginning I liked the fact that my focus had gone to someone else but I find that my feelings and behavior with Jon was always sick and unhealthy. I still have those same feelings,... but this time I have a new focus.

I really am not healthy right now.......