I have come to a harsh realization that I never wanted to admit before. This is poisoning me. Its like a terrible drug habit and everytime I start to get clean...I put myself in a situation to use again or the drug is presented to me again. 

This whole thing with my birthday has put me in a using cycle all over again. I am fighting not to reach out and reaching out means using my drug again. I am so damn confused and I hate how this feels. I am trying to figure out what it all means and it means nothing at all. A part of me wants it to mean something but there is now that side of me that is so tired that I have no more energy to continue playing the game.

I gave everything I had and it didnt count for anything. It has been a painful and exhausting last couple of years and I am tired of begging to be acknowledged. I am done but there is still that part of me that is feeling defocused and nervous.

Why did he have to send me a present. It has been a few weeks since we have spoken and I was doing really well. Like I said, now I am confused and back to square one. I dont want to talk to him anymore. He will never understand what it means to love someone so deeply that it hurts. well, I am sure he does...he just never felt that way about me.

I dont want to feel this way anymore. I am tired and I hate feeling needy. I keep waiting on a response and now I am waiting on a present. I dont want to knock what it is he is sending me. My thoughts are that it will be a very good book that I will enjoy. The thought is so super sweet but why now?? Ya know?? I say its better to not speak again and he sends me a gift. A part of me wishes he had just skipped my birthday and let me just be sad because he didnt reach out to me. I guess what I want most is some emotion. I want him to express how he feels about me not being in his life. Does it bother him?? Does he miss me at all??

Honestly, as much as I want to know, I dont. It would just confuse me. I cant be his friend. No matter how hard I try I always go back to the same obsession and unhealthy feelings. I love him but like I said earlier, he has become a drug to me.

It is so hard to explain how much I want him in my life but I want him in a way that he cant give so it is best for him to not be there at all..........

Everyday I get closer and closer to finding peace. My memories have gone back to the beginning where things were sweet and good. No more memories of the pain and hurt but of happy times where I was at peace.

I turned 37 yesterday and as I posted before, I was shocked to find an email from the Nerd and even more surprised that he sent me a gift. My first reaction was that he missed me and that he missed speaking with me but as I thought about it and with much insight into it, I realized and accepted it for what it is and was. He had gotten my gift much earlier, long before we stopped talking. It is understandable that he would go ahead and send it. It doesnt mean he wants to speak again or that he misses me.

Quite honestly, I am in a place today where I feel like the only reason we should talk again is if he decides he wants me in his life and not as just a friend. As long as it is the way it has been, I dont want to communicate. I need to tell him that unless he is willing and open to stepping out and taking action then there is no reason for us to talk. I am firm in my feelings and they are not going to change. Therefore, the only solution is to not stay connected unless he is willing to speak from his heart and acknowledge who I am.............

On another note,

I was feeling a bit down for a minute yesterday. It was right when it sunk in that I am 37 and that much closer to 40. It took me a few minutes to get back into the day and realize just how loved I am and just how much my family was trying to make the day super special for me. Not only did I get some really sweet little gifts from my children, I got a wonderful seafood lunch. I am so truly blessed today. I have been so hung up in fantasy that I forgot how to live in today and I have now realized just how important that is. I feel free to a certain extent and even though I talk about it alot here, I have found some peace. I am now standing firm in my feelings and I am not going to go backwards. I refuse to be weak and helpless anymore. I find that I am not willing to tolerate certain behavior anymore. Behavior in others and behavior within myself.

I have moved on and I am proud of myself. I have not moved on in the sense that I have completely let go of my feelings for Nerd but I have moved on in the sense that I am not going to play the weak and helpless victim anymore........That all makes today a VERY GOOD DAY!!

Namaste!!