I didnt know why it has always been so difficult to sleep. I remember a time in my life when I never had bad dreams and I slept like a baby.

I am in Chattanooga right now. I love coming here because it is so peaceful and I can sit outside from dusk til 2 or 3 AM and not say a word to anyone. Its funny about my bad dream last night. I have been watching a hell of alot of reality shows lately and last night I started watching the cheeze that was Brett Micheals picking a girlfriend through reality TV. I guess it got caught in my sub conscious and I dreamt I was on a reality show like that. Of course, Jon was the guy everyone wanted. I mean it was Jon but he also looked like CJ. I didnt realize how much they do have the kind of feauters somewhat. ANYWAY...........

In my dream I remember wanting so much to be chosen. I remember feeling so hurt most of the time and I wanted to be the ONE...........I wanted to be that girl that beat out all the others and won his heart. I dont remember if I lost in the dream but I did wake up with a wet pillow from crying in my sleep.

Dont get me wrong, it was a dream. When I am awake, other than missing the hell out of him , I am doing great. Its when I have no control over my mind that I have the hardest time.My dreams really get to me and affect my day when I wake up. This morning I feel drained and down a bit. Tomorrow is my birthday and I was really hoping for an email or something to say Heppy Birthday. Honestly, I know its not coming but I wish so much that it would. I guess if it did come it would just add confusion. I hate this , I really do............I really need some peace in my life and I thought that him being away would give me that but all this, my feelings , really arent about him. I know that doesnt make sense but it does to me.........

Namaste~

I am going for a walk in the woods to clear my head and accept some things.......