I am feeling so much peace today. My OCD isnt out of control, my life is balanced and I have so much contentment in my spirit. It feels as if so much has come full circle for me.My life has become a smoothly running engine and for that I am so grateful.

I have seen my life take so many roller coasters and I have had so many bad days but its like waking up from 6 months of night time to see the sun peaking over the horizon. I have struggled for so long and it almost feels wrong to let it go and choose to do something differently but I am tired of living in the sadness and dispair.

I glad to say that my nightmares have ended. I do not feel that overwhelming longing anymore. The cravings have also subsided and I feel that I have another level of freedom. My history has shown me that I will go years without one craving but the minute I get one, I act immediately and throw away everything I have worked for without a single thought of the reprocussions. This is all new for me and I feel it will spare me that one day when I could blow it all in a fleeting thought. When my disease comes to me in waves I am more able to deal with it and fight it off. I have worked too hard to get here. It has been a hard year because I have still been holding on to a man who does not want me romantically.  Today I have released that...........

I think I will always have fleeting moments of that deep heart ache and longing. The key for me is to realize it usually coincides with something else in my life. When I was craving I knew I couldnt have it. That transfered into my dreams of something else I craved that I couldnt have as well. It was as if everything I wanted and craved having decided to rear its head. I couldnt have the dope so I wanted the one other thing that filled that hole. Now the kicker is that because I couldnt have that either I found a huge substitution. The evolution of the process took me to the third thing that always makes me feel better...that being shopping......Last week I went through 400 bucks on useless things that I didnt need. I was even went shopping for gifts for other people.

Now, see you would think that because I was able to shop that it would make me feel better but all it did was make me feel worse because it made me financially irresponsible which is something I have really struggled with. I have worked very hard to do a better job of balancing my funds every month, to a point that I didnt run out of cash a week before the end of the month. Now, I am having to manage on a low budget which is now affecting my daily life. Regardless, though....I am much better than I was a week ago.

Even with the financial crunch I have put myself in, I am able to see the light and I have reached the end of that tunnel. There will , of course, be more days of unrest...it is the natural order of things. The key is that I feel very centered today. I have focus and I know that today, is going to be a very good day!!

Namaste~