Obsessions as defined by (1), (2), (3), and (4):

1. recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress
2. the thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems
3. the person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
4. the person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

I have had to come to a really hard realization over the last month and that realization is that I have some really bad OCD. For so long I wanted to be able to say that all of the things I have been dealing with over the last 2 years only came down to the love I had in my heart and that it was love that drove me to not letting go of the Nerd. I had thoroughly believed that I was just so in love that letting go was impossible for me.

What I am coming to terms with today is that it goes so much deeper than that. I couldnt understand my thinking sometimes. I just couldnt get him out of my head, When I would get online I was zoned out, either in email or finding things to give him, to do for him or just seeing who was playing on his MySpace page. Ok, I know how it sounds but before you judge me, let me finish.

I am now coming to terms with the fact that my love was really obsessive thinking. I have been diagnoses with a a form of OCD. I am not one of these people that gets freaked out by germs or has to count everything a hundred times but I obsess to a point that has affected me on a much deeper level. The emotional level.....My obsession with people is so unhealthy.

Like I said, I thought it was all about Nerdboy but I am seeing now that it is about anything I find I have interest in. I cant just do something. I have to be a master at everything I do.....I have to know all there is about the subject and I dont rest until I do. I obsess over it until I move on to something new. I do the same thing with people.

I used to tell myself that it was about knowledge and that I was just really focused on the things I found interesting but when it comes to my obsessive nature where people are concerned, I start to get worried. <~~ which is another form of OCD...LOL...uhhgggg!!!

I guess all I can say about this is that I am finally aware of the problem and it is going to be up to me whether I take the knowledge and do something about it or not. I know that I cannot continue to get so defocused. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know everything there is about a subject but when it starts to affect your daily life then you are in trouble. Another thing that is wrong is when I sit online, watch the TV or do anything for that matter, it keeps me from taking care of my resposibilities.

I guess the answer to the great question is that yes, there is a medication for it.Does that mean I want to take yet one more pill these days...Hell No!! I am going to have to find something to quiet my mind......SHhhhh...God knows I dont sleep......Maybe it is my mania from my Bipolar that is causing this thinking. I dont sleep and I dont eat......I just freaking obsess over men and work....men and work...men and work......say that 10 times real fast and you will understand what my brain is doing 24/7......

Namaste~