I got an email this morning from Nerdboy. I really dont know how I feel. I read it and felt so angry. How dare him write me and apologize for being cruel to me. The recovery side of me wants to take it and say thank you but the human and heartbroken side of me wants to cry. I am fighting back the tears as I type this because all it did was remind me of all the hurt all over again. It was such a terrible heartbreak and then trying for almost 3 years to get him to want me again was so cruel and painful for myself.

Its been almost 2 months and I dont think of it much but I do have thoe days when I am driving to or from work that I begin to think of him and all I can do is cry. They are the most silent tears. Never enough to effect my make up or cause a red nose and swollen eyes but the pain I feel is enough to blind side me. It is gutteral coming from the deepesdt part of me. The kind of heartbreak that could effect a thousand people all at once.  It is the greatest death I have ever felt or dealt with. I know it was only a breakup but the pain that followed has scarred me for my entire life.

Why do people do that?? The last time we communicated I wrote him telling him that I wanted him in my life as a friend if it could be nothing more than that. His words back were cruel and I swore I would never reach out to him again. I have not and I will not. His mail will go unanswered and I would like to think he will know that my pain is still here. Another part of me wants to mail him back and say 4 simple words......

Please Leave Me Alone.......

Thats what I need from him and its a simple request. He says you do not have to respond which is like saying I need to clear my conscience but dont respond. That takes alot of self centeredness and selfishness.

Am I wrong??

I am at a loss right now and I can not allow it to effect my day.

I am getting a make over today and I am so very excited about it. I am hoping at this point that it will distract me and lead my thoughts in a different direction.......

Namaste~