I couldnt think of anywhere else to go to talk about this so here I am. My love is with another woman yet again. 6 years I have waited, hoping that he would finally see me. He loves me....I know he does but he just doesnt want to be with me. It hurts so much but at the same time ,,through the tears,,,there is a numb feeling that doesnt hurt that bad. Maybe I am getting better...maybe I am accepting that it is never going to happen no matter how much I wish it were different. I just got back from visiting him and things were so sweet and special. I didnt feel an overwhelming amount of emotion though. It was hard to leave...it was hard to be told again that I was not what he wanted...I guess I am just used to it. I have been disappointed for 6 damn years hoping...me never letting go of hope...it was what I held on to thinking that if I was sweet enough, smart enough, pretty enough...none of it mattered to him. He wants me in his life...he wants my friendship terribly but he doesnt want me....how do you accept that?? How do you accept that you are undesirable?? How do accept that and not feel completely flawed in every other area of your life. I dont feel worthy enough for a guy like him. I deserve to be happy but I dont know if I am meant to do it alone or not. After all these years I think I am.....but I dont want to be. I want that feeling of true love...being with someone who thinks I am amazing in every way...what have I dont to keep that away from my life?? IS it me or have I been destined to be alone from the very start?? I have never had lucj with men. My ex husband abused me terribly...Jon left me and I have been chasing him ever since...the worst part is that he let me......6 years we went back and forth. He would want me for a minute and we would try and then he would just walk away....I cnt tell you how many times he did that and every time he walked away he was with someone new within a month....now when we are not together and single for a year at a time he meets no one...but the minute we try he finds someone else......What does that mean anyway?? 

I spent a really long time putting this blog together and making it perfect for myself. That was years ago and I have gotten bored with it over the years. Thing is that I somehow always find my way back here. Today I imported or rather copy/pasted some posts that I had at another Blog and I have decided to just stay here. I am not going to commit to writing daily like I have in the past but I am committing to coming here when I do post.

I find myself really struggling with some very serious issues and I am worried about what they mean in my life. I have finally admitted to myself that I have a serious problem with lying and I am really dishonest with even the closest people in my life. For some reason I still feel as if I will not be accepted if I am not in a certain place in my life and I find that I am embarrassed that I have not acheived what I dreamt of doing so I lie about where I am in life to feel better about who I am. I have someone so special and wonderful in my life who has been a constant love and support to me for over 6 years and they think I am in a completely different job than what I am doing and they think I have more education than what I actually do.....I have lied to this person in an attempt to have them love me more but in my spirit I know that it is that lie that keeps them from being who I want them to be to me. In my spirit I know that I am not the person I want to be because I am stuck in a huge lie about who I am. Does that make sense??

There is also another problem or emotional sickness that I suffer from and that is that I am a thief. I take without asking thinking I can put it back before anyone notices. I take things or money because I do not know how to go without. I panic when I dont have any money and instead of going through it I take from others. I always try to borrow first and if I cant...I take it.

Over the last week I have not felt good about my choices. For the first time I am feeling guilt for my behavior. Over the last few days I have been consumed with guilt and fear of being exposed. I want it to be over with and I want to stop my behavior. I want so much to clean the slate and begin again. I am taking steps to stop the behavior and have decided there are certain things I cannot do anymore because it tempts me to be dishonest. I am going to have to take steps to get honest in every area of my life and that is going to be very hard for me because I feel so much shame about who I am. I live in a fantasy world so much of the time truly believing I am this person I created for other people to see. I even know enough about the subjects I am suppose to be mastered in to pull it off. I know this sounds incredibly sick and it is. My spirit is sick and it needs divine intervention. I need guidance from God and more than anything...I need to feel OK in the skin I am in. I need to feel proud of who I am and I want my kids to be proud of who I am as well. My son actually told me last night that he wouldnt be proud to have me come to career day at school. It hurt so much but I am not proud so why should he be. The thing about that is that it shouldnt matter what I do...if I am proud of the work I do then it will show and my kids will respect it no matter what it is.

I want to think that by finally saying it out loud and knowing others will see this that I am taking a step in correcting it. I dont want to live in a lie anymore. I just want to start over with a completely clean slate. No more lies about who I am and no more theft when I dont have what I want. It is true narccisism at its finest.

I am done talking about it right now. I just needed to put it out in space and acknowledge that it is a problem in my life. It exists and I am affirming that I recognize that my spirit is sick right now and really has been all my life. I cannot connect with God and the forces in the Universe without honesty,truth and love...I cannot claim to love someone and lie to them or take from them at the same time.

Namaste...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

He Broke Your Heart..Learn To Let Go...Part One

3 Words........You Broke Me........

The letter read..Serious Relationship Co-Dependency. Like they were telling me something I didn't already know!

If you have gotten this far, then you are not doing too well letting go either. Letting go of someone you love is probably one of the hardest things we will ever have put on us. It is like a death but the person is still there for you to pick up the phone and call. The point of letting go is to heal the wounds and move on in a healthy and loving way but what if you just cant do it? What if you are unwilling to move on or what if there is still some hope there??(At least in your mind) Hell, what if there is no hope left but you are hanging on, leaving claw marks the whole way down?? Its all different for each of us but I am here to tell you that finding peace is the same for all. It is a process that we all go through. For some of you it might be quick and less painless but if that was the case I doubt you would be reading this right now. There has got to be something really unhealthy about what you are doing or you would not have come online to find some relief. Believe me I know how that feels.

When I split from my ex I searched and scoured for any and every book, article or email that I could to find some peace. The truth was that I felt like I was losing my mind. I just couldn't handle the feelings I had and I was willing to do anything to make the pain go away. Anything but let go of the dream of him coming back to me. I need to emphasize here that they rarely come back and if they do, it is when we have finally moved on. It is awful the way that works. If it happens it is usually when you have finally moved on and let them go completely. At that point you will be looking back and saying,"What was I thinking??"

I know that seems like an impossibility right now but trust me, it will happen. It is not going to happen when you want it to but it will happen when you need it to. We, as human beings, have a very high tolerance for pain and sadly we have to take on a hell of a lot before we get to the point that there is no hope left. I know for myself, that it was 2 long years after the break up when I decided to even start the process of letting go. That was 2 years of excruciating sadness and heartache that I could have prevented but I just was not ready to move on and I didn't know what I needed to do to make it happen.

I met, what I thought was my "ONE", and we will go with that term because I think we can all relate to it, in the summer of 05 and I fell in pretty quickly. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He was just as quirky and silly as I was and when we were together I felt like nothing bad could ever happen. I felt safe with him and I didn't think I needed anything but his love to sustain me. Being with him made my days better and I was happier than I had ever been in my life. He was my complete package and for the first time in my life, I felt complete. I went into the relationship looking for a life partner. I was 34 years old and I had been out of a violent marriage for about 4 years. So, I was ready. I was ready to find someone to spend the rest of my life with and I was sure I had found him. The tragic problem was that I was in a place that he wasn't willing to go with me. He had no intention of making it long term and it was made painfully clear when he informed me that he was moving back to his home town. After everything we had been through together, he was just going to up and leave and not even talk about taking me with him. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. It felt like he was telling me he had found someone else and was running away with her.

I quickly jumped into this supportive role but I had many motives behind it. If I could show him how kewl I was about it then he would see another side of me to love...Wrong!! It didn't happen and he still left. My heart was shattered and I didn't know if I could go on without him in my life. I remember that Christmas right after he left. I would sneak into the bathroom every ten minutes or so and completely break down. I would quickly put a cold rag on my face so no one would see that I had been crying. I spent 2 years doing that. 2 full years of my life where I could have been happy, loving myself and maybe even loving someone else.The problem was that I just couldn't let go.

Now, this is my story and every story is different but they all have the same theme. The key is that they all have the same solution. If you have lost someone because of an affair, break up or death, the feelings are the same. You feel broken and you feel like you will never be OK again. I am here to tell you that you can walk through the pain and come out on the other side smarter, more aware and healthier than you were before your heart was broken. The thing you need to know is that it will take work on your part. It doesn't go away by itself. It goes away in waves or stages. There are stages of healing and I have learned to put my own spin on them and they seem to work. I have counseled a lot of women since I started this journey and I have yet to meet any one of them again and not see their lives finally full of joy and peace.

Right now, you might be saying this wont work for me. Lets change that right now. Tell yourself that you are willing to go to any length for spiritual and emotional freedom today. Tell yourself you are worthy and you have a right to find happiness again. Tell yourself that freedom is available to you if you do the work to get it...................

Coming Next.......Making a plan for emotional freedom.........

Posted by El at 8:52 AM 3 comments Links to this post

Saturday, October 6, 2007

I wanted to start my posts here with a little explanation as to why I am here. I have 2 blogs right now. I started the first one to vent about a heartbreaking journey through a break up with what I thought was the guy of my dreams. Sadly, he ended up being just another guy on my path to wherever in the hell I am suppose to end up at.

I decided that it was time that I start writing about some things I know because it is obvious by now that I am clueless when it comes to relationships between myself and the opposite sex. Men are just Wacky I tell you!!Flaky and Wacky!!

ANYWAY.....<~~~That's my catch phrase By the way!! You will see a lot more of that and understand that it is my way of saying "Moving On"..............

So ANYWAY....... I am going to post about a lot of crazy things because honestly , at this point, I am a pretty twisted in my thinking. I am passionate about alot of things...well, I am either completely apathetic, cynical and morose or I am completely passionate, invested and covered up by my feelings. Maybe its the BiPolar, maybe not. You can decide that for yourself. Actually, I have no clue if anyone will read this blog and I am quite OK with that. I am here to vent, share and protest things that go on in my daily life and completely bitch about the injustices and lack of compassion that surrounds all of us on any given day.

So my journey starts with this post and we will just have to see where in the world it leads me.

Namaste~

Man I am feeling really funky and flat. Yesterday I grumbled around, was anxious, nervous and felt pretty hopeless. I have way too much time on my hands right now. I keep hoping on a job to come through but it just isnt happening. The economy is so bad right now and no one wants to lose their job and here I am walking out and quitting because I was having a bad day. I cant take back my decision nor do I want to go back but I still wish I could find a freaking job somewhere. Between the extra time on my hands, my meds being out of whack and feeling depressed things are OK...i dont know if my worry comes from not having money or if it is because I feel so non productive right now. I keep reaching out for things to improve myself. So much so that I have my hand in quite alot of pots right now. I am working on my food issues, working on my step work, I am trying to get back in2 therapy and then there is Astara...a teaching program based on spirituality.

I am hoping for a better day today. I am suppose to have a lunch date today but I am not too sure if I want to go. It feels like I am going through the motions but the desire to date is just not there. The guy is really nice and perhaps I am missing out on a good thing but fact still remains that I dont feel like going. I have been doing the constant dating thing for months now and it is pretty evident that I am not going to meet anyone through the medium I am using. I know I have alot of issues but for the most part my life is good and I am happy but these guys are issue packed. I dont need anyone elses baggage today. Maybe thats wrong of me...I dont know.....

Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning and for taking away the pain in  my mouth with my tooth. Watch over me and my family today and keep all of us safe. Please help me to find a job...Lord give me the willingness to give of myself and to be available to all who need your direction and huidance, Please help me to be more openminded and less grouchy when it comes to the kids......Thank you Lord/////

I am trying to keep my word and continue with the postings. So far this is my second post in well over 9 months so we will see if I can keep it going this time. I think I mentioned before how absolutely awful it is to see how much pain I was in for so many years. To think I allowed myself to stay so wrapped up in a man who thought very little of me in the end. I cant say that I dont still love him though. My daughter and I were driving about a week ago and we were talking about this guy I just met and had been out with a few times. Sure I liked him but I am so skeptical at this point and I do not let people in based on past experience. As we were talking she told me I wasnt over Jon. Now it has been 4 months or so and I havent mentioned him in months yet withing 5 minutes of her comment silent tears were streaming down my face as I argued the point with her...It was pretty useless trying to change her mind with the tears sliding down my face. Truth of the matter is that he will always have a place but it does not own me anymore and I am really open to finding someone else. Trouble with that is that I dont trust anyone I meet and I am constantly questioning their motives. They are either perfect for me and they dont want to date me or they do want to date me and Something is wrong with them....does that make any sense?? I dont think it does but ANYWAY!! lol

I just got home from spending the weekend with my mom. She had a huge KY Derby Party and it was my new debut since my surgery. I couldnt believe the response I got from them but it was really nice to have so many compliments for all the hard work I have put in to losing weight again. The party was a hit and my mom shined as usual. I didnt end up winning the pot and Gabe was really disappointed he didnt either. He had the horse that was SUPPOSE to win but what about a 50:1 horse pulling it out!! Amazing...

Hannah didnt go with us to mom's because she had a violin performance at DollyWood. She has been super excited about it for a long while so I could understand her not going. Its so funny with her...She barely talks to me now and she is always brooding about one thing or the other. She really wants no part of me as she gets older but when she got home, she called me immediately to tell me how it went. Now if I had been home she would have grunted at me as she walked upstairs and would have told me she didnt feel like talking. Getting any expression of love from her is hard to come by so having her ask me when I was coming home was really special to me. Gabe and I bonded alot during the trip. He is such a good kid when he wants to be. It kinda gets under my skin when we are out like that and he is so calm and mindful to do what I ask...I know he is capable yet at home you can forget it!! He is such a pain in the ass and direspectful...I often lose hope that he will ever change and times like this weekend remind me that he is going to be just fine. I cant say how much I love driving with him...we listen to his fav band in the world Journey or we will pop in one of my Wolf Parade CDs and we will sing at the top of our lungs trying to chase the words as we go. Its those moments I dont want to ever forget...when we drive sometimes he will hold my hand or put his hand on my shoulder and tell me how much he loves me and what a great friend I am to him. Hannah used to do that...I pray that she comes back to me when she gets older...now its besties and BF's and there is no room for mom unless she needs something....I guess it is suppose to be that way right now but I miss my baby girl....

Thank you Lord for a wonderful weekend and quality time with my family. Thank you for the one on one time with my mom and with Gabe and thank you for reminding me that my daughter does still value me in her life.....Thank you for bringing us home safely and I pray that you give me the foresight, strength and patience I will need as I go through the week..guide me to make good choices and give me the willingness to take care of my responsibilities...Amen

I cant believe it has been so long since I have posted on this blog. Whats even more disturbing are the last few entries I made. It seems like a lifetime ago that CJ was in my life and as for Jon, well, I guess time really does heal all wounds,Yeah??

I dont even know where to begin.....First I will say that Ceej and I have not spoken in months. I was finally able to get real with him but in the end it was more about having a playmate for him than it was about anything really serious. I tried to kid myself and say otherwise but his life was nothing that I needed for myself.

Jon and I got back together again for a very short time but it was an attempt at a long distance relationship. It failed miserably but it was exactly what I needed. I still get angry at him though. I did love him so much and even though I know I am not flawed today there is always going to be that part of me that is going to ask...Why couldnt he love me??....I will be honest and say that there are some days where I am driving down the road and I break into tears. The sadness is quickly followed by anger but today I think it is good to be angry with him for hurting me. At least I am no longer asking what I can do to make him love me the way I want him to.

I had gastric bypass surgery in November of 08.  I got very ill after the surgery but after a few months my body settled in2 its new situation and I have never felt better. Its weird though. I am not used to seeing my new face in the mirror. I look down at my body and all I still see is the fat. I just cant see what everyone else does. I am in a size 8 now and it doesnt feel like enough. I still have more weight to lose in my mind. All of which I do really know is inaccurate. I get frustrated at time when I really want to eat and enjoy something but I cant. My tummy is the size of an orange at this point and it takes very very little to fill me up. Too bad I am addicted to MnM's!!! lol

As far as my recovery goes, I have 2 and a half years now. 2 and a half years of not medicating to numb my emotions. Its pretty amazing stuff really. I have never been happier emotionally. Sure I have problems and my finances are in the dirt but I have goals and dreams for something more. I get mad sometimes because I am 38 yrs old and often have to rely on my mom to help pay the bills. It is very frustrating to feel like a burden to others. I am planning on filing for bancruptcy here soon and I am hoping that it helps a bit.

My children, well, where do I begin. My son, who is 10, has been diagnoses with depression and ADD..In a way I am grateful that I now have an answer to the problem and now I have a starting point in which to move forward. He is such a great kid but his fits and anger takes a huge toll on me at times. There is no reasoning with him when he is like that. You just have to ride it out without pulling your hair out in the process. My daughter is 13 and so damn moody!! One minute she is a chatter box, happy and upbeat and the next minute she is sad, cant deal with anyone and wants to lock herself in her room. There is always drama in her life and I worry about it. I realize this is normal 13 yr old stuff but My gawd!! Give it a rest!!...lol....She is in a black period too...she is in to Twilight and paints her nails black and dyes her hair jet black. I remember when I was her age and I was what one would call Punk Rock but I never did the physical transformation like she has...The things we do in an attempt to be different!! lol

Ok I guess I needed to update this for myself. Now I will feel better about coming back and just posting about my everyday life. I have been up since 3 AM and it is now 8 AM. I am headed to a mtg at 10:30 and then I have a coffee date at 4....Thats another thing!!Since I have lost weight I have started dating again. I have yet to meet anyone I would want to see again but I have high hopes that it might happen at some point......

Namaste'

You would think that after 6 years I would be free of the hell I endured at the hands of my ex husband. Even disabled he is still affecting my life. Since he has taken us to court we have been hit with snag after snag. Yesterday they told us that he would get a supervised visitation. Now this man has been harrassing me for years now and ever since I got a new cell phone and he got my number I am barragged everyday with pornographic, angry and hurtful text messages. I keep telling myself that this will just go away but it is not. I thought that with all the evidence of how insane he is that the courts would not put these kids through anymore harsh treatment. They have suffered enough at the hands of this man.

For so many years I stayed with him because I didnt think there was anywhere else to go. Sure my life is not perfect. Most days I feel more disconnected and not together than I do together and moving forward. The things is that it is OK...I have faith that in time I will make better decisions and that things will improve but what about the kids. Why do they have to keep hoping through all of this. I created it...I stayed but if I hadnt stayed I would not have them. Out of the horror came 2 beautiful and amazing kids.

I have to have faith that God is not going to abandon these children. I have to have faith that God is with us and knows exactly what is going on and will change things in time...before they have to meet him.

God please step in now and stop this from happening. I want to do your will and I am waiting on you to move but please release these children from this nightmare. They have suffered enough God. I ask myself often if they should see him but he is not well Lord. I wish him no ill will even though he has done terrible things to me. If someone is to suffer please let it be me and not Hannah and Gabe. I pray for your will and for you to move quickly. Our life without him in it would be so peaceful and wouldnt have to be barraged daily by venom and filth...If there is something I can do, God...if I am lacking in some way and it is stopping this from being fixed please show me so I can change. I love my children God. I know I am selfish and self centered. I know that I am not that great of a parent but I want to be better. I take small steps and I need your help in learning to be a good mom. I dont want to yell at them anymore but work with a firm hand and a loving heart....I know I am begging now but I feel so poweless and I know the only one who can fix this is you....I wait for your answer God...Show me my path and what I need to do to take this man from their life. Please remove him from their life...

Amen

Its been a long time since I posted and I realized just how much blogging helped me in the past.

I can honestly say that my life is getting better slowly but surely. I have many ups and downs but I keep trying to look at the big picture and realize that in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty darn good. I have my financial troubles that are drowning me alive and I fear serious repercussions for my actions but I try to not think about it when possible. My recovery is good...I have a wonder length of sobriety and on most days I try to practice the prinicples of the program in most of my affairs. I struggle with my kids and learning to be a good mom is a task within itself...

Its late here and I just wanted to make the effort to put down a few words this evening. I am going to try and make it a daily thing to write something. Its about making a commitment true??

Thank you God for this day and stay with me as I sleep.watch over my children and all my friends and family. Keep them safe from harm and bless them with happiness in all that they do. Thatk you for your gifts and even for the ones I dont receive because I know that everything is done according to your will and on your time.......

Amen

I am feeling so much guilt this morning. Last night I was suppose to meet Ceej and I totally blew him off. I got so scared and felt so guilty that I had misrepresented myself that I just couldnt go through with it. I gave him bogus directions and told him to wait til I called him for him to come but he decided to take a 30 minute cab ride to find me instead...all of which left him walking down the road looking for an address that didnt exist. In the beginning I felt justified because he has a girlfriend and he was hiding me just to eventually hook up for sex. All of which I acted like I was up for just to get his attention. I dont know why it was so important to me that he like me. The saddest part is ultimately what he liked was not me at all. I sent bogus pictures of myself out of fear of rejection. I know it was completely wrong because when it came down to it, it was the late night intimate chats that connected us but it was all based on lies. For 9 months we have been talking leading up to the day that we would finally meet but then he got involved with someone. Again remember it was all based on lies from the beginning.

I feel so bad today and it feels like all of it has come to a head. I misled him and I have been doing it with alot of people....The reason I do it, because I just dont fucking feel enough just as I am. When I am honest and the real me, I am completely overlooked...I dont know why no one can see me. The one person who saw me and I mean really saw me...Left...and I have still not healed from that. That was 2 and a half years ago and I am still stuck here trying to understand what I did wrong. I feel so dysfunctional, unattractive and I just dont know what it is going to take to get to a place where I know my own worth. When do I see myself and love me just as I am. At work I have to put on a mask and it seems to perpetuate the problem. I am just at a loss.

I feel at this point I should just let Ceej go and not contact him again. It would lead to more lies and its best to just leave it alone. Even though he was going to spend the night, sleep with me and hang out...he would have left, that would have been it and I would have been left heartbroken because of how much I really like him. I keep reminding myself that all I am is a piece of ass to him...and even then I am someone that isnt even who I said I was.

Jon is with someone now. He really cares for her and I really feel this is the one for him. He is working harder to make this work than he ever has before...I missed out on so much when it came to him but I still cant let go of that feeling I felt when he looked at me. For the first time in my life I was OK...I was loved just for me...he didnt want anything from me and didnt want me to be anything other than what I was....probably he secretly wished I was prettier and thinner but he never said a word.

I just really feel disconnected from God right now. I think that is the place I need to seek for the answers.....

Namaste'

Its been a long time since I have posted here. Life just kind of shows up sometimes and it becomes hard to find the time to take care of yourself and your own personal needs.

I really dont know how to describe where I am at right now. I am tired, depressed, so super lonely and living the most incredible lies....I have been lying about so much in my life that it has gone so far that I dont even know the truth half the time. I am caught up in all these things which I just need to end. My program tells me to get honest but I would rather just walk away from it all.....Talking to CJ is not healthy and I dont know why it is important to me. He has a girlfriend and its not like he likes me for anything other than wanting to have sex with me and the sad part is that he doesnt even know who I really am. I have created this attractive persona that is completely fabricated......With Jon, again, has a girlfriend and I have finally accepted that even if we were both 60 and alonbe that he wouldnt even want me then either.....

The question I have to ask myself is why I go to the extremes I do just to be liked and loved...why is that I believe that I am not enough just as I am....maybe because when I am myself no one is interested in getting to know me....I also know that my weight plays a big part in that. I am so big now and I cant quit eating....

I have in essence, given up......I dont feel my own worth and I dont see anything that I can bring to the table. Especially, with my weight. True I am very picky...I dont know how to change that...I have this expectation that I cant seem to let go of. 

Ya know I keep trying to believe that one day God is going to give me the desires of my heart but what am I suppose to do in the meantime to deal with the sadness and lonliness. It seems that everyone I know is in a relationship or something that resembles one. All of which always leaves me the odd one out and the one sitting at home feeling alone. 

I am working so much and my routine allows me no time for myself. I come home, do chores, eat way too much and then go to sleep. I wake up too early, and always so freaking tired, to tend to the kids and then its back to work.......I know it seems like I am complaining but I am so tired.

I know everything I have said is a good reason to feel the way I do but I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of loving someone when they love and want someone else and I am tired of trying to get someone's attention when they neither want me or need me in their life.Always wanting what I cant have....I guess.......

I have lost the emotion and train of thought now. Kids buzzing in my ears......go figure.........

I have to stop the lies and to do that I have to end the relationships..I have learned that from my post......

Namaste'