Man I am feeling really funky and flat. Yesterday I grumbled around, was anxious, nervous and felt pretty hopeless. I have way too much time on my hands right now. I keep hoping on a job to come through but it just isnt happening. The economy is so bad right now and no one wants to lose their job and here I am walking out and quitting because I was having a bad day. I cant take back my decision nor do I want to go back but I still wish I could find a freaking job somewhere. Between the extra time on my hands, my meds being out of whack and feeling depressed things are OK...i dont know if my worry comes from not having money or if it is because I feel so non productive right now. I keep reaching out for things to improve myself. So much so that I have my hand in quite alot of pots right now. I am working on my food issues, working on my step work, I am trying to get back in2 therapy and then there is Astara...a teaching program based on spirituality.

I am hoping for a better day today. I am suppose to have a lunch date today but I am not too sure if I want to go. It feels like I am going through the motions but the desire to date is just not there. The guy is really nice and perhaps I am missing out on a good thing but fact still remains that I dont feel like going. I have been doing the constant dating thing for months now and it is pretty evident that I am not going to meet anyone through the medium I am using. I know I have alot of issues but for the most part my life is good and I am happy but these guys are issue packed. I dont need anyone elses baggage today. Maybe thats wrong of me...I dont know.....

Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning and for taking away the pain in  my mouth with my tooth. Watch over me and my family today and keep all of us safe. Please help me to find a job...Lord give me the willingness to give of myself and to be available to all who need your direction and huidance, Please help me to be more openminded and less grouchy when it comes to the kids......Thank you Lord/////

I am trying to keep my word and continue with the postings. So far this is my second post in well over 9 months so we will see if I can keep it going this time. I think I mentioned before how absolutely awful it is to see how much pain I was in for so many years. To think I allowed myself to stay so wrapped up in a man who thought very little of me in the end. I cant say that I dont still love him though. My daughter and I were driving about a week ago and we were talking about this guy I just met and had been out with a few times. Sure I liked him but I am so skeptical at this point and I do not let people in based on past experience. As we were talking she told me I wasnt over Jon. Now it has been 4 months or so and I havent mentioned him in months yet withing 5 minutes of her comment silent tears were streaming down my face as I argued the point with her...It was pretty useless trying to change her mind with the tears sliding down my face. Truth of the matter is that he will always have a place but it does not own me anymore and I am really open to finding someone else. Trouble with that is that I dont trust anyone I meet and I am constantly questioning their motives. They are either perfect for me and they dont want to date me or they do want to date me and Something is wrong with them....does that make any sense?? I dont think it does but ANYWAY!! lol

I just got home from spending the weekend with my mom. She had a huge KY Derby Party and it was my new debut since my surgery. I couldnt believe the response I got from them but it was really nice to have so many compliments for all the hard work I have put in to losing weight again. The party was a hit and my mom shined as usual. I didnt end up winning the pot and Gabe was really disappointed he didnt either. He had the horse that was SUPPOSE to win but what about a 50:1 horse pulling it out!! Amazing...

Hannah didnt go with us to mom's because she had a violin performance at DollyWood. She has been super excited about it for a long while so I could understand her not going. Its so funny with her...She barely talks to me now and she is always brooding about one thing or the other. She really wants no part of me as she gets older but when she got home, she called me immediately to tell me how it went. Now if I had been home she would have grunted at me as she walked upstairs and would have told me she didnt feel like talking. Getting any expression of love from her is hard to come by so having her ask me when I was coming home was really special to me. Gabe and I bonded alot during the trip. He is such a good kid when he wants to be. It kinda gets under my skin when we are out like that and he is so calm and mindful to do what I ask...I know he is capable yet at home you can forget it!! He is such a pain in the ass and direspectful...I often lose hope that he will ever change and times like this weekend remind me that he is going to be just fine. I cant say how much I love driving with him...we listen to his fav band in the world Journey or we will pop in one of my Wolf Parade CDs and we will sing at the top of our lungs trying to chase the words as we go. Its those moments I dont want to ever forget...when we drive sometimes he will hold my hand or put his hand on my shoulder and tell me how much he loves me and what a great friend I am to him. Hannah used to do that...I pray that she comes back to me when she gets older...now its besties and BF's and there is no room for mom unless she needs something....I guess it is suppose to be that way right now but I miss my baby girl....

Thank you Lord for a wonderful weekend and quality time with my family. Thank you for the one on one time with my mom and with Gabe and thank you for reminding me that my daughter does still value me in her life.....Thank you for bringing us home safely and I pray that you give me the foresight, strength and patience I will need as I go through the week..guide me to make good choices and give me the willingness to take care of my responsibilities...Amen

I cant believe it has been so long since I have posted on this blog. Whats even more disturbing are the last few entries I made. It seems like a lifetime ago that CJ was in my life and as for Jon, well, I guess time really does heal all wounds,Yeah??

I dont even know where to begin.....First I will say that Ceej and I have not spoken in months. I was finally able to get real with him but in the end it was more about having a playmate for him than it was about anything really serious. I tried to kid myself and say otherwise but his life was nothing that I needed for myself.

Jon and I got back together again for a very short time but it was an attempt at a long distance relationship. It failed miserably but it was exactly what I needed. I still get angry at him though. I did love him so much and even though I know I am not flawed today there is always going to be that part of me that is going to ask...Why couldnt he love me??....I will be honest and say that there are some days where I am driving down the road and I break into tears. The sadness is quickly followed by anger but today I think it is good to be angry with him for hurting me. At least I am no longer asking what I can do to make him love me the way I want him to.

I had gastric bypass surgery in November of 08.  I got very ill after the surgery but after a few months my body settled in2 its new situation and I have never felt better. Its weird though. I am not used to seeing my new face in the mirror. I look down at my body and all I still see is the fat. I just cant see what everyone else does. I am in a size 8 now and it doesnt feel like enough. I still have more weight to lose in my mind. All of which I do really know is inaccurate. I get frustrated at time when I really want to eat and enjoy something but I cant. My tummy is the size of an orange at this point and it takes very very little to fill me up. Too bad I am addicted to MnM's!!! lol

As far as my recovery goes, I have 2 and a half years now. 2 and a half years of not medicating to numb my emotions. Its pretty amazing stuff really. I have never been happier emotionally. Sure I have problems and my finances are in the dirt but I have goals and dreams for something more. I get mad sometimes because I am 38 yrs old and often have to rely on my mom to help pay the bills. It is very frustrating to feel like a burden to others. I am planning on filing for bancruptcy here soon and I am hoping that it helps a bit.

My children, well, where do I begin. My son, who is 10, has been diagnoses with depression and ADD..In a way I am grateful that I now have an answer to the problem and now I have a starting point in which to move forward. He is such a great kid but his fits and anger takes a huge toll on me at times. There is no reasoning with him when he is like that. You just have to ride it out without pulling your hair out in the process. My daughter is 13 and so damn moody!! One minute she is a chatter box, happy and upbeat and the next minute she is sad, cant deal with anyone and wants to lock herself in her room. There is always drama in her life and I worry about it. I realize this is normal 13 yr old stuff but My gawd!! Give it a rest!!...lol....She is in a black period too...she is in to Twilight and paints her nails black and dyes her hair jet black. I remember when I was her age and I was what one would call Punk Rock but I never did the physical transformation like she has...The things we do in an attempt to be different!! lol

Ok I guess I needed to update this for myself. Now I will feel better about coming back and just posting about my everyday life. I have been up since 3 AM and it is now 8 AM. I am headed to a mtg at 10:30 and then I have a coffee date at 4....Thats another thing!!Since I have lost weight I have started dating again. I have yet to meet anyone I would want to see again but I have high hopes that it might happen at some point......

Namaste'

You would think that after 6 years I would be free of the hell I endured at the hands of my ex husband. Even disabled he is still affecting my life. Since he has taken us to court we have been hit with snag after snag. Yesterday they told us that he would get a supervised visitation. Now this man has been harrassing me for years now and ever since I got a new cell phone and he got my number I am barragged everyday with pornographic, angry and hurtful text messages. I keep telling myself that this will just go away but it is not. I thought that with all the evidence of how insane he is that the courts would not put these kids through anymore harsh treatment. They have suffered enough at the hands of this man.

For so many years I stayed with him because I didnt think there was anywhere else to go. Sure my life is not perfect. Most days I feel more disconnected and not together than I do together and moving forward. The things is that it is OK...I have faith that in time I will make better decisions and that things will improve but what about the kids. Why do they have to keep hoping through all of this. I created it...I stayed but if I hadnt stayed I would not have them. Out of the horror came 2 beautiful and amazing kids.

I have to have faith that God is not going to abandon these children. I have to have faith that God is with us and knows exactly what is going on and will change things in time...before they have to meet him.

God please step in now and stop this from happening. I want to do your will and I am waiting on you to move but please release these children from this nightmare. They have suffered enough God. I ask myself often if they should see him but he is not well Lord. I wish him no ill will even though he has done terrible things to me. If someone is to suffer please let it be me and not Hannah and Gabe. I pray for your will and for you to move quickly. Our life without him in it would be so peaceful and wouldnt have to be barraged daily by venom and filth...If there is something I can do, God...if I am lacking in some way and it is stopping this from being fixed please show me so I can change. I love my children God. I know I am selfish and self centered. I know that I am not that great of a parent but I want to be better. I take small steps and I need your help in learning to be a good mom. I dont want to yell at them anymore but work with a firm hand and a loving heart....I know I am begging now but I feel so poweless and I know the only one who can fix this is you....I wait for your answer God...Show me my path and what I need to do to take this man from their life. Please remove him from their life...

Amen

Its been a long time since I posted and I realized just how much blogging helped me in the past.

I can honestly say that my life is getting better slowly but surely. I have many ups and downs but I keep trying to look at the big picture and realize that in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty darn good. I have my financial troubles that are drowning me alive and I fear serious repercussions for my actions but I try to not think about it when possible. My recovery is good...I have a wonder length of sobriety and on most days I try to practice the prinicples of the program in most of my affairs. I struggle with my kids and learning to be a good mom is a task within itself...

Its late here and I just wanted to make the effort to put down a few words this evening. I am going to try and make it a daily thing to write something. Its about making a commitment true??

Thank you God for this day and stay with me as I sleep.watch over my children and all my friends and family. Keep them safe from harm and bless them with happiness in all that they do. Thatk you for your gifts and even for the ones I dont receive because I know that everything is done according to your will and on your time.......

Amen

I am feeling so much guilt this morning. Last night I was suppose to meet Ceej and I totally blew him off. I got so scared and felt so guilty that I had misrepresented myself that I just couldnt go through with it. I gave him bogus directions and told him to wait til I called him for him to come but he decided to take a 30 minute cab ride to find me instead...all of which left him walking down the road looking for an address that didnt exist. In the beginning I felt justified because he has a girlfriend and he was hiding me just to eventually hook up for sex. All of which I acted like I was up for just to get his attention. I dont know why it was so important to me that he like me. The saddest part is ultimately what he liked was not me at all. I sent bogus pictures of myself out of fear of rejection. I know it was completely wrong because when it came down to it, it was the late night intimate chats that connected us but it was all based on lies. For 9 months we have been talking leading up to the day that we would finally meet but then he got involved with someone. Again remember it was all based on lies from the beginning.

I feel so bad today and it feels like all of it has come to a head. I misled him and I have been doing it with alot of people....The reason I do it, because I just dont fucking feel enough just as I am. When I am honest and the real me, I am completely overlooked...I dont know why no one can see me. The one person who saw me and I mean really saw me...Left...and I have still not healed from that. That was 2 and a half years ago and I am still stuck here trying to understand what I did wrong. I feel so dysfunctional, unattractive and I just dont know what it is going to take to get to a place where I know my own worth. When do I see myself and love me just as I am. At work I have to put on a mask and it seems to perpetuate the problem. I am just at a loss.

I feel at this point I should just let Ceej go and not contact him again. It would lead to more lies and its best to just leave it alone. Even though he was going to spend the night, sleep with me and hang out...he would have left, that would have been it and I would have been left heartbroken because of how much I really like him. I keep reminding myself that all I am is a piece of ass to him...and even then I am someone that isnt even who I said I was.

Jon is with someone now. He really cares for her and I really feel this is the one for him. He is working harder to make this work than he ever has before...I missed out on so much when it came to him but I still cant let go of that feeling I felt when he looked at me. For the first time in my life I was OK...I was loved just for me...he didnt want anything from me and didnt want me to be anything other than what I was....probably he secretly wished I was prettier and thinner but he never said a word.

I just really feel disconnected from God right now. I think that is the place I need to seek for the answers.....

Namaste'

Its been a long time since I have posted here. Life just kind of shows up sometimes and it becomes hard to find the time to take care of yourself and your own personal needs.

I really dont know how to describe where I am at right now. I am tired, depressed, so super lonely and living the most incredible lies....I have been lying about so much in my life that it has gone so far that I dont even know the truth half the time. I am caught up in all these things which I just need to end. My program tells me to get honest but I would rather just walk away from it all.....Talking to CJ is not healthy and I dont know why it is important to me. He has a girlfriend and its not like he likes me for anything other than wanting to have sex with me and the sad part is that he doesnt even know who I really am. I have created this attractive persona that is completely fabricated......With Jon, again, has a girlfriend and I have finally accepted that even if we were both 60 and alonbe that he wouldnt even want me then either.....

The question I have to ask myself is why I go to the extremes I do just to be liked and loved...why is that I believe that I am not enough just as I am....maybe because when I am myself no one is interested in getting to know me....I also know that my weight plays a big part in that. I am so big now and I cant quit eating....

I have in essence, given up......I dont feel my own worth and I dont see anything that I can bring to the table. Especially, with my weight. True I am very picky...I dont know how to change that...I have this expectation that I cant seem to let go of. 

Ya know I keep trying to believe that one day God is going to give me the desires of my heart but what am I suppose to do in the meantime to deal with the sadness and lonliness. It seems that everyone I know is in a relationship or something that resembles one. All of which always leaves me the odd one out and the one sitting at home feeling alone. 

I am working so much and my routine allows me no time for myself. I come home, do chores, eat way too much and then go to sleep. I wake up too early, and always so freaking tired, to tend to the kids and then its back to work.......I know it seems like I am complaining but I am so tired.

I know everything I have said is a good reason to feel the way I do but I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of loving someone when they love and want someone else and I am tired of trying to get someone's attention when they neither want me or need me in their life.Always wanting what I cant have....I guess.......

I have lost the emotion and train of thought now. Kids buzzing in my ears......go figure.........

I have to stop the lies and to do that I have to end the relationships..I have learned that from my post......

Namaste'

 I got an email this morning from Nerdboy. I really dont know how I feel. I read it and felt so angry. How dare him write me and apologize for being cruel to me. The recovery side of me wants to take it and say thank you but the human and heartbroken side of me wants to cry. I am fighting back the tears as I type this because all it did was remind me of all the hurt all over again. It was such a terrible heartbreak and then trying for almost 3 years to get him to want me again was so cruel and painful for myself.

Its been almost 2 months and I dont think of it much but I do have thoe days when I am driving to or from work that I begin to think of him and all I can do is cry. They are the most silent tears. Never enough to effect my make up or cause a red nose and swollen eyes but the pain I feel is enough to blind side me. It is gutteral coming from the deepesdt part of me. The kind of heartbreak that could effect a thousand people all at once.  It is the greatest death I have ever felt or dealt with. I know it was only a breakup but the pain that followed has scarred me for my entire life.

Why do people do that?? The last time we communicated I wrote him telling him that I wanted him in my life as a friend if it could be nothing more than that. His words back were cruel and I swore I would never reach out to him again. I have not and I will not. His mail will go unanswered and I would like to think he will know that my pain is still here. Another part of me wants to mail him back and say 4 simple words......

Please Leave Me Alone.......

Thats what I need from him and its a simple request. He says you do not have to respond which is like saying I need to clear my conscience but dont respond. That takes alot of self centeredness and selfishness.

Am I wrong??

I am at a loss right now and I can not allow it to effect my day.

I am getting a make over today and I am so very excited about it. I am hoping at this point that it will distract me and lead my thoughts in a different direction.......

Namaste~

I was thinking this morning that I havent blogged in a really long time about what is going on in my spirit. I have been so busy with this part time job that I have had no time to even think about something spiritual or recovery oriented.

I am lost in a maze of sorts and it has no ending. I am trying to grow up in alot of ways and I am taking on new responsibilites that are far greater than anything I have ever done before. The thing is that growing up is hard for someone like me. I have been a child in so many ways for so damn long that it feels awkward right now. I am trying to more into a more proactive role with my kids and I am trying to set new boundaries with them.

I think I have mentioned that th connection between Ceej and I has dwindled to nothing. Basically I went psycho chick and he blew me off. All of which I didnt blame him for because I actually would have done the same thing. On Xmas eve he hit me with a note just asking how I* was doing and all the sudden I went right back into that oberly excessive mode and then on Cmas night at 3 AM I get a phone call from Ceej saying Merry Xmas. Actually he wasnt calling just for that. I had made the mistake of having some late night adult chat time with him once and that left the door open. At first I was excited. I didnt answer the phone that night but the thought of being devious and just plain uninhibited got me worked up.

Let me say here that I have never been one of those girls that slept around and I have never been one of those girls that had sex for sexs sake. I have lived my life relatively sex free. Sure I was married and I have had boyfriends in my life but when I look back they seem really short lived other than being married and with him, I hated it. To be honest I was nevewr into sex until I met Jon. He was the first man in my life that I really felt an overwhelming desire for. The sad part of that relationship was that because of my weight he did not feel the same way. I was always initiating and sure we had alot of sex but there were things that proved my point. Another thing that made it hard was the mere fact that he was awful in bed. I had to go on pure emotional connections.

Now I have been single for over 2 and a half years now and for me that means no sez either but when I saw CJ that automaitc lust drive kicked in. It was never really about anything other than a sordid week of debauchery. All of which I felt I was up for considering the level of desire I have and had for him. When he blew me off I wa bummed because my little fantasy was shot.

When he called the other night I got stoked about the thought of it perhaps happening again but I found from his first hello that he was still nlowing me off and then I get a call at 3 AM asking me to play with him on the phone. You have no idea how grateful I am now that I wasnt available.   I thought long and hard about all of it and this morning I finally got the nerve to say exactly what I should have from the beginning.

I told him in a mail this morning to not contact me again. I told him that I gace him a chance to redeem himself and he blew me off again. I am sorry but enough is enough. I dont care how much I desire him at this point. I am not going to be anyone's phone sex girl. True I guess I did want more than just a great shag. I wanted a mutual friendship as well.

I refuse to be used today no matter who they are. I am not going to put myself out there anymore to be used. I deserve respect and from now on I am going to demand it.

Namaste~

Is it really Xmas?? It sure doesnt feel like it. I have been working so much that the holidays have flown by and I havent even had time to get in the xmas spirit. The kids had a wonderful xmas this year. They really racked up on everything they wanted and then some. Between the ipod,playstation3 and cell phones I had some really happy kids. Sadly, my daughter found out thisa year that Santa and mom are the same person. I hated that for her but it is what it is.....I really felt as if I ruined the holiday spirit for her. Its just not the same when the magic of santa is taken away.

I am off today for the only reason that it is Xmas day. Tomorrow it is back to the grind for me.

And a personal note...it has been 3 week since I reached out to Jon. After the reply last time I know in my heart that it will never be happen again. I just dont want it in my life. I still cant talk about him without tearing up and believe me I try to keep him out of my conversations but I was talking to a new friend the other day about my love life over the last 7 or 8 years and when I came to Jon I said "I loved him so very much" and in mid sentence the tears welled up in my eyes. I immediately ended the discussion by saying that I thought we had the most amazing relationship but obviously it meant alot more to me than it did to him....thats the truth that I have to live with.........

Cj and I havent talked for a few weeks now and last night he sent me a quick Merry Xmas....he asked how I was and I replied only to get no answer back from him....Oh well...life goes on....

So that is My Merry Xmas.............I am still feeling very lonely but settling is not an option. It has been hard working with such young and vibrant women. I envy them in so many ways and I do feel so inferior in some ways as well. I would love nothing more than to be that age, that excited about life and still live in the magic of being in love.....

Namaste!~