I am feeling so much guilt this morning. Last night I was suppose to meet Ceej and I totally blew him off. I got so scared and felt so guilty that I had misrepresented myself that I just couldnt go through with it. I gave him bogus directions and told him to wait til I called him for him to come but he decided to take a 30 minute cab ride to find me instead...all of which left him walking down the road looking for an address that didnt exist. In the beginning I felt justified because he has a girlfriend and he was hiding me just to eventually hook up for sex. All of which I acted like I was up for just to get his attention. I dont know why it was so important to me that he like me. The saddest part is ultimately what he liked was not me at all. I sent bogus pictures of myself out of fear of rejection. I know it was completely wrong because when it came down to it, it was the late night intimate chats that connected us but it was all based on lies. For 9 months we have been talking leading up to the day that we would finally meet but then he got involved with someone. Again remember it was all based on lies from the beginning.

I feel so bad today and it feels like all of it has come to a head. I misled him and I have been doing it with alot of people....The reason I do it, because I just dont fucking feel enough just as I am. When I am honest and the real me, I am completely overlooked...I dont know why no one can see me. The one person who saw me and I mean really saw me...Left...and I have still not healed from that. That was 2 and a half years ago and I am still stuck here trying to understand what I did wrong. I feel so dysfunctional, unattractive and I just dont know what it is going to take to get to a place where I know my own worth. When do I see myself and love me just as I am. At work I have to put on a mask and it seems to perpetuate the problem. I am just at a loss.

I feel at this point I should just let Ceej go and not contact him again. It would lead to more lies and its best to just leave it alone. Even though he was going to spend the night, sleep with me and hang out...he would have left, that would have been it and I would have been left heartbroken because of how much I really like him. I keep reminding myself that all I am is a piece of ass to him...and even then I am someone that isnt even who I said I was.

Jon is with someone now. He really cares for her and I really feel this is the one for him. He is working harder to make this work than he ever has before...I missed out on so much when it came to him but I still cant let go of that feeling I felt when he looked at me. For the first time in my life I was OK...I was loved just for me...he didnt want anything from me and didnt want me to be anything other than what I was....probably he secretly wished I was prettier and thinner but he never said a word.

I just really feel disconnected from God right now. I think that is the place I need to seek for the answers.....

Namaste'

Its been a long time since I have posted here. Life just kind of shows up sometimes and it becomes hard to find the time to take care of yourself and your own personal needs.

I really dont know how to describe where I am at right now. I am tired, depressed, so super lonely and living the most incredible lies....I have been lying about so much in my life that it has gone so far that I dont even know the truth half the time. I am caught up in all these things which I just need to end. My program tells me to get honest but I would rather just walk away from it all.....Talking to CJ is not healthy and I dont know why it is important to me. He has a girlfriend and its not like he likes me for anything other than wanting to have sex with me and the sad part is that he doesnt even know who I really am. I have created this attractive persona that is completely fabricated......With Jon, again, has a girlfriend and I have finally accepted that even if we were both 60 and alonbe that he wouldnt even want me then either.....

The question I have to ask myself is why I go to the extremes I do just to be liked and loved...why is that I believe that I am not enough just as I am....maybe because when I am myself no one is interested in getting to know me....I also know that my weight plays a big part in that. I am so big now and I cant quit eating....

I have in essence, given up......I dont feel my own worth and I dont see anything that I can bring to the table. Especially, with my weight. True I am very picky...I dont know how to change that...I have this expectation that I cant seem to let go of. 

Ya know I keep trying to believe that one day God is going to give me the desires of my heart but what am I suppose to do in the meantime to deal with the sadness and lonliness. It seems that everyone I know is in a relationship or something that resembles one. All of which always leaves me the odd one out and the one sitting at home feeling alone. 

I am working so much and my routine allows me no time for myself. I come home, do chores, eat way too much and then go to sleep. I wake up too early, and always so freaking tired, to tend to the kids and then its back to work.......I know it seems like I am complaining but I am so tired.

I know everything I have said is a good reason to feel the way I do but I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of loving someone when they love and want someone else and I am tired of trying to get someone's attention when they neither want me or need me in their life.Always wanting what I cant have....I guess.......

I have lost the emotion and train of thought now. Kids buzzing in my ears......go figure.........

I have to stop the lies and to do that I have to end the relationships..I have learned that from my post......

Namaste'

 I got an email this morning from Nerdboy. I really dont know how I feel. I read it and felt so angry. How dare him write me and apologize for being cruel to me. The recovery side of me wants to take it and say thank you but the human and heartbroken side of me wants to cry. I am fighting back the tears as I type this because all it did was remind me of all the hurt all over again. It was such a terrible heartbreak and then trying for almost 3 years to get him to want me again was so cruel and painful for myself.

Its been almost 2 months and I dont think of it much but I do have thoe days when I am driving to or from work that I begin to think of him and all I can do is cry. They are the most silent tears. Never enough to effect my make up or cause a red nose and swollen eyes but the pain I feel is enough to blind side me. It is gutteral coming from the deepesdt part of me. The kind of heartbreak that could effect a thousand people all at once.  It is the greatest death I have ever felt or dealt with. I know it was only a breakup but the pain that followed has scarred me for my entire life.

Why do people do that?? The last time we communicated I wrote him telling him that I wanted him in my life as a friend if it could be nothing more than that. His words back were cruel and I swore I would never reach out to him again. I have not and I will not. His mail will go unanswered and I would like to think he will know that my pain is still here. Another part of me wants to mail him back and say 4 simple words......

Please Leave Me Alone.......

Thats what I need from him and its a simple request. He says you do not have to respond which is like saying I need to clear my conscience but dont respond. That takes alot of self centeredness and selfishness.

Am I wrong??

I am at a loss right now and I can not allow it to effect my day.

I am getting a make over today and I am so very excited about it. I am hoping at this point that it will distract me and lead my thoughts in a different direction.......

Namaste~

I was thinking this morning that I havent blogged in a really long time about what is going on in my spirit. I have been so busy with this part time job that I have had no time to even think about something spiritual or recovery oriented.

I am lost in a maze of sorts and it has no ending. I am trying to grow up in alot of ways and I am taking on new responsibilites that are far greater than anything I have ever done before. The thing is that growing up is hard for someone like me. I have been a child in so many ways for so damn long that it feels awkward right now. I am trying to more into a more proactive role with my kids and I am trying to set new boundaries with them.

I think I have mentioned that th connection between Ceej and I has dwindled to nothing. Basically I went psycho chick and he blew me off. All of which I didnt blame him for because I actually would have done the same thing. On Xmas eve he hit me with a note just asking how I* was doing and all the sudden I went right back into that oberly excessive mode and then on Cmas night at 3 AM I get a phone call from Ceej saying Merry Xmas. Actually he wasnt calling just for that. I had made the mistake of having some late night adult chat time with him once and that left the door open. At first I was excited. I didnt answer the phone that night but the thought of being devious and just plain uninhibited got me worked up.

Let me say here that I have never been one of those girls that slept around and I have never been one of those girls that had sex for sexs sake. I have lived my life relatively sex free. Sure I was married and I have had boyfriends in my life but when I look back they seem really short lived other than being married and with him, I hated it. To be honest I was nevewr into sex until I met Jon. He was the first man in my life that I really felt an overwhelming desire for. The sad part of that relationship was that because of my weight he did not feel the same way. I was always initiating and sure we had alot of sex but there were things that proved my point. Another thing that made it hard was the mere fact that he was awful in bed. I had to go on pure emotional connections.

Now I have been single for over 2 and a half years now and for me that means no sez either but when I saw CJ that automaitc lust drive kicked in. It was never really about anything other than a sordid week of debauchery. All of which I felt I was up for considering the level of desire I have and had for him. When he blew me off I wa bummed because my little fantasy was shot.

When he called the other night I got stoked about the thought of it perhaps happening again but I found from his first hello that he was still nlowing me off and then I get a call at 3 AM asking me to play with him on the phone. You have no idea how grateful I am now that I wasnt available.   I thought long and hard about all of it and this morning I finally got the nerve to say exactly what I should have from the beginning.

I told him in a mail this morning to not contact me again. I told him that I gace him a chance to redeem himself and he blew me off again. I am sorry but enough is enough. I dont care how much I desire him at this point. I am not going to be anyone's phone sex girl. True I guess I did want more than just a great shag. I wanted a mutual friendship as well.

I refuse to be used today no matter who they are. I am not going to put myself out there anymore to be used. I deserve respect and from now on I am going to demand it.

Namaste~

Is it really Xmas?? It sure doesnt feel like it. I have been working so much that the holidays have flown by and I havent even had time to get in the xmas spirit. The kids had a wonderful xmas this year. They really racked up on everything they wanted and then some. Between the ipod,playstation3 and cell phones I had some really happy kids. Sadly, my daughter found out thisa year that Santa and mom are the same person. I hated that for her but it is what it is.....I really felt as if I ruined the holiday spirit for her. Its just not the same when the magic of santa is taken away.

I am off today for the only reason that it is Xmas day. Tomorrow it is back to the grind for me.

And a personal note...it has been 3 week since I reached out to Jon. After the reply last time I know in my heart that it will never be happen again. I just dont want it in my life. I still cant talk about him without tearing up and believe me I try to keep him out of my conversations but I was talking to a new friend the other day about my love life over the last 7 or 8 years and when I came to Jon I said "I loved him so very much" and in mid sentence the tears welled up in my eyes. I immediately ended the discussion by saying that I thought we had the most amazing relationship but obviously it meant alot more to me than it did to him....thats the truth that I have to live with.........

Cj and I havent talked for a few weeks now and last night he sent me a quick Merry Xmas....he asked how I was and I replied only to get no answer back from him....Oh well...life goes on....

So that is My Merry Xmas.............I am still feeling very lonely but settling is not an option. It has been hard working with such young and vibrant women. I envy them in so many ways and I do feel so inferior in some ways as well. I would love nothing more than to be that age, that excited about life and still live in the magic of being in love.....

Namaste!~

Wow!! Its been a while since I posted and the more I have thought about it that is actually a good sign. It seems I use this journal alot when I am struggling through something. When things are productive and peaceful I feel like I dont have much to share, almost like the good isnt worth mentioning,,,Go figure!!

Things are good though. I have picked up a job working for Liz Claiborne. I stil work for the sports league and I still do the cheerleading but it doesnt pay during off seasons so a girl has to do what she has to do.

I guess I have found more balance and peace over the last few weeks. I have come to accept that my psycho chick disorder is something I have got to work on before I even think about being involved again....I have come to accept that Jon will never be a part of my life again.

I tried to reach out to Nerdboy a few weeks ago and the reply I got back was very harsh and quit cruel. I never thought there would come a day where I was dismissed so easily but he did and he did it cruelly. Of course my first reaction was that he did it with so little feeling because he has a girlfriend now and his need for me has been replaced but then I realized that what we shared together was destroyed over time and that all that was left on his end is anger and resentment.I am to blame for alot of that coming ftom my inability to let go and move on. I have moved on today and I am really lonely as a result.

The whole adventure with CJ was just an obsessive fan chasing someone who was completely unattainable. Well, he was attainable but in order for it to happen I was going to have to compromise myself in the process. The saddest part of all of that was that I was willing to do it just to actually be with him....That is true insanity.

It has taken me a few weeks to settle in without all of the obsession going on with Big Ceej. It was hard in the beginning to not just keep pressing the issue. What it came down to was him completely blowing me off. You would think that would make me stop trying to communicate with him but it wasnt until last week that I let it go.

Ya know, I have spent so many years chasing people I cant have..Jon was unattainable but I couldnt give up as long as I knew he still loved me....CJ was the thrill of hunt and honestly the thought of some really great sex.

Now, I am stuck in a place where I should have been for a long time...I have healed and I am alone with myself. I am very lonely and sometimes I think I will always spend my life alone. I no longer have wonderful reflections of any realtionship in my life. The last 3 I have been in have ended in pain so thats what I have to go on. I am not sure I know what a healthy relationship looks like. When I say that I mean from beginning to end.Not that any ending can be easy but it can be done with grace and dignity which I have never shown before.

So right now I feel very much alone in things. Its xmas time and everyone I know is in a relationship and every party I am invited to is all couples so I choose not to go. I find that I speak about myself very negatively. I tend to make alot of references to the fact that I am overweight and my low self esteem is really showing right now. I guess I am just really vulnerable right now....but the upside is that I am making good money and I am staying busy. This job has alot of meaning for me.........

Ok I am late for work!!

Namaste!

What a great question I was asked in my last post and no Holls I did not take any offense to it. Actually it has given me something to contemplate for the last several days. The crazy thing is that I still do not have the answer other than what the gif says above. I think it just boils down to the fact that I am terrified of spending the rest of my life alone.

I know for a fact that my issues of abandonment with my father are a driving force begind my OCD and men. When I meet someone it either goes 2 ways. I either really like them and if that is the case I get super pushy, needy and I play alot of games to win what subconsciously I think is a prize for me. When I really like someone I go way overboard to get attention and to be validated. In the process of doing that I make myself seem mental and needy. When I meet someone and that umph factor is not there then I blow them off.

So with that being the case I have realized that my picker is broken and my idea of attraction is based solely on looks in the beginning. I pick men that seem to be unattainable and I try to get them to like me knowing the whole while that I will either ruin it or they will not find me attractive or desirable and I will be let down. I pick the ones who would not be attracted to me.

The ones who do like me and who are the genuine nice guys I overlook and ignore. Its like in order for me to like you, I have to chase you and catch you. In every instance I have done that, I have ebded up heart broken. Hell, I did it for over 2 years with JOn. I knew he wouldnt come back and still I basically begged and pleaded for him to change his mind.

So Again, what is the pay off?? I dont know that answer. I know that I get negative reinforcment so maybe the pay off is that it reinforces my feelings of being not good enough. Why in the hell I would need that to be reinforced is beyond me.

I have alot of work to do and I recognize that. I am bummed that things worked out the way they did with Jon and CJ. It wasnt as if CJ was a love interest but I did scare him off because I was too pushy and to think that there is someone out there that thinks you have serious issues and thinks of you as an obsessive fan is not a good feeling at all. My hope is that in time , if I leave it alone for a month or so that I can at least say hi and not seem like a weirdo. I would love nothing more than to become friends.

The friendship thing is difficult for me too. I still find that I go overboard when it is a man I think us cute. Secretly I think I just pretend to be friends to get them to fall in the process, which is something they never do.

Anyway...more to think about and more to acknowledge to try and do differently...Thanks Holls for the words of wisdom....It has really been an eye opening experience even if you took it from Dr.Phil!! I used to love him and now I think he is a wanker!! LOL

Namaste~

Elyse

Everything I freaking touch turns to shyte...i swear it does....

I was just crying a few minutes ago because I cant seem to keep things together when it comes to love. I am overly obsessive and I seem to be one of those women who are just too much all the time...Too needy, too dependant, overly zealous and just down right annoying. I dont know if I have always been like this but I am sure it is something that has followed me. It seems like the only guys that are ever interested in me are the ones who are needy and need constant ego stroking.

Jon and I havent talked really in over a month now. It has been kinda hard but it hasnt killed me. The problem comes when I am overwhelmed with emotion and I begin to miss him in my life. I have tried to reach out to him 3 times in the last month. Once to say Happy Thanksgiving...one was a stupid good morning and I see you online and then a day or 2 ago I sent him a letter trying to make amends for the pain I had caused. I got a reply today that basically said or I felt that it said that I am full of shyte and I am not in the place I think I am. It really hurt me to be dismissed so easily by someone I love.

I have continued to be so caught up with CJ that I have really not had time to think about him at all. Sadly, I did the same thing to Ceej as I did to Jon...I over did it and now our plans have been dumped. I doubt I will ever talk to him again either..So lets see today I have lost 2 people I really dig and want to be a part of my life.

Why?? Because I am competely mental, thats why!! I really do believe that I am going to spend my entire life alone. I cant seem to not ruin things or get dumped. I am so picky and both Jon and Ceej were my WoW guys.The intense physical desire was there and they are both smart, funny and just really good guys....I blew it......I will never be able to be just Jon's friend. I am done pretending that it will ever be any different. It really was what I thought I wanted but to be honest, I dont want to be his friend. I love his mean ass and I will miss him until the day I die...

CJ sadly I will never get the chance to really know. I would love to say that sure we will re plan but I know better than that. I got kicked to the curb and now its done. I was over the top and really just freaked him out. I dont blame him. It was a huge game of cat and mouse anyway but I really liked him and thought he was a kewl person.

I recognize that I used the CJ thing to fill my void with Jon gone. Now that he is gone I tried to put the focus back on Jon but was kicked hard to the curb for even saying I was sorry for the past few years and that i appreciated his friendship.

I dont want to talk to him again. I feel betrayed in a way. I feel like I was given this promise that he would always be there and then found out it was all a big lie. I feel lied to and cheated and right now I am crying again.

 I am so tired of feeling hurt. I dont know how to find freedom from my emotions. I want to feel free and light hearted. I want to wake up and love what I see looking back at me and I want to wake up with a smile feeling so good about life and what it has to offer me. I have struggled my whole life just trying to fit somewhere...with someone....if it wasnt friends growing up it was trying to find that one guy that saw me...really saw me and loved me anyway.....I found him and I wasnt good enough to keep around and to think I was super healthy then or at least I thought so.

I feel like I am whining. I am just having a heavy heart day. Its like all the air was let out of the balloon.....The plans I had with Ceej coming were so freeing and I wanted to beleive I could be so openminded and fun but I havent been that person in so many years. I want that person back but I dont have any idea what to do to find her......

In other news I have been approved for my surgery..I go in 2 weeks for my visit with the surgeon and then it will be probably the 2nd or 3rd week in January that I have my surgery.

Maybe I should just give up...all together, of every dream or fantasy,every wish and hope for love or anything more......I have to keep going back to my first thought and that is maybe my only purpose in this world is to be a good mother and teach my children to be good people. thats admirable isnt it?? I shoudl aspire for that and it be enough...I am just lonely....I have been alone for so long and I am tired.....tired of wishing.....hoping........

Namaste~

Well, its official!! Everything is turned in for my surgery. What that means is all I need now is a date!! I am hoping for January but the end of December would be just as great for me....

It has been such a long and hard road over the last 10 years. It seems like everyday my self esteem fell more and more and now I am to the point that living one more day like this is almost impossible. I have lost so much of myself through these last 10 years. So much joy and self confidence. I am embarrassed all the time and so insecure everywhere I go. I used to be so friendly and out going and now I want to be invisible. I cant see how anyone can be attracted to me and the fact of the matter is that no one is. When I talk about gius here I need to get honest and say that if they want to be with me then they have never seen me. They are going purely on personality and you know as well as I do that personality doesnt get you anywhere when it comes to face to face encounters. Its not like I lie about my weight but in reality not saying anything at all is like a lie in itself........

Ok I went off there for a minute...I am trying to make this short cause I have to work in a bit..........Point is that everything is done and now it is a waiting game...Please God dont let there be anything to stand in the way of this..........

Namaste~

Elyse

I just made a ticker and it says I have lost only 22 pounds in the last 6 months......Well we will see how the liquid diet goes.......

Well, the best way to end something unhealthy is to be unhealthy I guess...lol....My psycho behavior came to and end today when I backed out of the trip. No going back and I feel pretty good about it. It feels like this huge cloud has lifted off of me and the obsession is slowly starting to subside. It had gotten so weird and I have no idea why he kept it up to begin with. If I were a guy I would have run after the first month or so.

I tell you what. I have a serious problem. I have some really severe OCD. When I get focused on something or should I say someone, I lose all balance of mental health and I get soo obsessed. I eat, drink, sleep and live in the fantasy of whatever is going to go down or what I want to go down. MAn!! I have some serious issues.

Anyway, it has been a slow process. I made the decision to stop the madness over a week ago and I did really well for a minute and then I went nuts again. Now, I have no choice and I am grateful for it. I hate that some guy I am completely encrusted with thinks I a m crazy but hell!! Its not like he is real in my life.

It bothered me when I got sick with Jon. I knew how I was affecting him and bless his heart, he stayed for so long in that madness. He loved me so much and it just sucks that my craziness finally pushed him away. You know you have a serious problem when people in your life start dropping out because of your behavior.

I dont know the solution. I really dont. I dont know what I need to do to fix the problem. It is all about cognitive therapy and learning to do it a different way but what is really going to work. Redirection? Good luck....A snap trigger helps like rubber band therapy but the band never hurt me when I snapped it. One day I actually drew blood from snapping it so much over Jon. I still continued to snap it after it did. Thats insanity...doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. WoW.....

On another note...after 2 and half weeks of continual phone calls and entries I won tickets for my daughter to go see her heart throb boyfriends , the jonas brother.....I couldnt believe it. I have tried so hard and have listened to stations I hate just to try and call in. I spent 12 hours online entering and registering today and I won off one entry to another site....Go figure...when I told my daughter she screamed, called all her friends screaming and cried a bit too. It has been hard watching her this last week or so. She loves them so much and she wasnt getting through to the radio stations. All her friends had won either tickets to see them or tickets for them and hannah montana. They would call and tell her they were going and she would spend the rest of the night crying about it. Like I said in another post, she deserves all things good. She is such a good girl with such a loving heart...even though she is becoming a butt head in her teen years.....She is actually becoming spoiled rotten. God only knows how much I love her though. I never thought a person could love something as much as I love them and I live Jon....he will always be a huge part of me...I miss him terribly but I know this is for the best. I would have never been OK watching him love someone else...........no matter how much time passes or how much I heal...that love will never die.......it is too ingrained in me.........

I am bummed that after al this work I will not be able to go watch her be thrilled and excited. I have to work on one of our busiest days of the year and I tried like hell to get out of it but it just wasnt happening. I have a dear friend going with her so I am happy.

Happy Thanksgiving God! And if you are reading this Happy thanksgiving to you too........may all your blessings be abundant.....Thank you God for letting me win the tickets...It has made her so happy.....

Namaste~